April 8, 2007, 12:08 pm
Filed under: Life
I’m at the office now. Trying my very best to concentrate on my job. It’s so hard to do something when you don’t have any passion for it. I don’t know what to do with what I feel. I’m struggling to get rid of this feeling and just go on with I have now. Many other people doesn’t have a proper job. I should be grateful to have a job with a good pay although I’m not into it.

Last night I was at my friends place. Lepaking as usual. It was nice to have friends around you. I feel better when I get to talk to someone else. The day before, it was hell. It was a bad Friday. I was so bored. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t do where to go. Late that evening, after buying my sis’ I decided to just grab the car keys and drove myself to Taman Tasik Permaisuri. Why there? Simply because I thought it would be nice and good for me to enjoy the scenery. I’m bored of shopping malls etc. That’s why I chose to go there. I tried contacting few of my friends just to know where they were.Most of them were busy, so I guess it was better for me to just let them do whatever they had to do. After almost an hour there, I decided to get something to eat. So I went to Queen’s Park, at Jalan Peel and have myself a lil snack and a hot chocolate with whipped cream and hazelnuts while reading some magazines I bought few days earlier. Then I walked down to Club 21 and bought a shirt there. I just had to because, I was bored. Seriously. I had to buy a shirt because I was bored? Stupid right? Nah. There’s no use for me to talk about it because what’s done is done.

So back to last night. I was at my friends place. We were planning to watch AF together. We did more than just that. We watched Mr World (ho and celebrated Ijat’s birthday. Aishah’s son. Well, I wasn’t aware of the celebration until yesterday’s evening. The celebration was simple. It was nice. It was good to have everyone around. All were there. How do I specifically describe my feelings at that time? I don’t know. I just enjoyed what I had. I went with the flow. Huhu. After the celebration was over, we had dinner together. It was pleasant. I thought I wanted to spend the night there, but under few circumstances, I went back home.

As for today, nothing excites me.I do not have the drive to go to work. Like I said before. I’m on the verge of breaking down. Sometimes I feel like i don’t want to talk to anyone else, expecially my friends. But I’m afraid that would make everything worse. My emotions are unstable. My mood is behaving like mad. I don’t know why. I’m not feeling good. I don’t feel content with my life. I’m suffering from an unknown disease. Maybe people would think it’s “mengade-ngade” disease but I’m am feeling it. So I guess, I know better. Maybe those people doesn’t know my situation. I know. Probably, my problem is not as big as other’s. But it still does affect my everyday life. My emotions to be exact.

When will I get better?
When can I have my life back?
Or, maybe this is my life.
But I don’t want to have this kind of life.
I don’t wanna feel anything like this anymore. Not as much as this.

Today a friend of mine visited my blog. He sent me a message after that( I supposed). He apologised if he happened to be one of those people which I felt has been pushing me away. He also said that he is sorry if he ever hurt me. Thinking what to say in reply, I just wrote things that would probably explain my feelings right now. What else can I say? Nothing much. I just wanna thank him for being concern. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe I should be wilder? As what one of my friends suggested yesterday. He was kidding though. But I’m considering it. I don’t know. Wilder as in more aggresive. I shouldn’t be as naive as before. Right?
I’m breaking away. I can do that. Hopefully.


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